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Keeping Safe Using Gay Dating Sites

Sun, 23 Jan 2011 13:00:39 +0100

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There are more sites than ever on the Internet for gay dating. But if you are new to internet dating, you might want to keep a few things in mind.

The Internet is a public space. That means pretty much whatever you put up there can be accessed by anyone, anywhere in the world. Sure some dating sites are 'closed' communities, but at the end of the day, you don't know who is joining and can see the information and pics you post.

Privacy is not something that concerns everyone but in any case, personal safety is something that is important to most people. The Internet has been around long enough now that most reputable sites offer advice as to how to respond to the security issues of online dating. We have posted some of the most common tips for online gay dating on the gay relationships and dating page here at Gay Counselling.

As for the sites available, you can choose from online gay social networks for friendship like outeverywhere.com and samesame.com.au to more sex oriented sites. There are online communities and dating sites for bears and daddies, gay Christians, gay Jewish people, gay outdoor-enthusiasts, older gay men and older lesbians and queer young people. And if there isn't a group that interests you, it is now easy enough to create your own with websites like ning.com.

We have listed some of the most popular gay sites on our dating and relationships page. Take a look!

Top New Years Resolutions

Sat, 01 Jan 2011 04:12:13 +0100

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Traditionally, the new year is a time when LGBT people and others resolve to make changes in their lives or a fresh start.

What is your New Years Resolution?

Being gay might not always have been easy and some of us have had to compromise our values or principles just to get through. The new year might be a chance to turn the page on something in your life. Perhaps you have decided to look after your health more by reducing drinking or stopping smoking. You might be aiming to make new friends or start a relationship in 2011. You could even be considering coming out to someone you love, or your work colleagues if you have not already done this.

Finding motivation and making changes is not always easy. A University of Hertfordshire study has shown that keeping a diary, making smaller steps towards your goals and rewarding yourself can help you to stick to those new year resolutions.

The Role of Counselling

Counselling can provide gay men and lesbians with encouragement and lift our confidence. A counsellor must maintain your confidentiality, and knowing this can make it easier to trust a counsellor and share your story. Counselling is not just about dealing with problems. It can be useful in finding direction or making plans which are both important aspects for gay men and lesbians who want to make changes in their lives.

Our confidence grows when we are supported to talk about what we want. And if you are not sure what you want, meeting with a professional counsellor who is also gay can help you to work this out. Your new years resolution for 2011 might even just be to get yourself a good gay counsellor or therapist!

Top New Years Resolutions for Gay Men and Lesbians

Here are some of the top New Years Resolutions that lesbians and gay guys talk about with their counsellors:

Stopping smoking
Getting back to the gym
Changing job
Reducing drinking
Stopping using drugs
Starting a gay relationship
Leaving a straight relationship
Making some new gay friends
Having more time with family
Coming out to someone.

If you are gay or bisexual, or think you might be, and you have made one of these new years resolutions or another, think about sharing it with a gay therapist or counsellor. You can meet with an online counsellor from home or go to a more traditional face to face counsellor. The important thing is to take that next step.

Support for Gay People during Holidays & Family Gatherings

Sun, 05 Dec 2010 09:15:11 +0100

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Some of us enjoy family gatherings and festive occasions. But the end of the calendar year is also a time when many gay people find themselves in uncomfortable situations with family or alone or isolated.

Not everyone has family who have come to reasonable terms with gay sexuality. In many families Christmas, for example, is geared towards children and gay adults whether partnered or not can feel left out of celebrations while their brothers and sisters take a lead role as parents and care providers.

It might be that you find yourself responsible for hosting the gathering and ensuring others have a good time. Or perhaps you do not receive an invite and are on your own while others are getting together. These end of year family gatherings can often be a source of stress and pressure for gay men, lesbians and other LGBT folk. Here are some tips suggested by counsellors to help you through this difficult time of year.

Find out who will be at the get-together and make an early decision about whether to attend or not. It's okay to change your mind later.
Locate a support person in advance and explain to them why it is a difficult time so they can look out for you.
Be aware of your stress levels and devise some strategies for dealing with these if they go too high. This is something you might want to discuss first with a gay counsellor.
Have a Plan B (and Plan C or Plan D if it helps) in case it all gets too much. This might be, for example, escaping to a friend's house, watching a favourite DVD, meeting up with some people who are in a similar situation or calling a support service.
If you are organising things, avoid cramming too much in to one day. Tell yourself to have time out on your own or with a friend. Whatever works best for you.
Plan time for yourself to do exactly what you want and let your family know that you will not be available at this time. It might be a morning or afternoon, a day or even a whole week.
Do something different for yourself to get yourself out of the routine.
Avoid 'self-medicating' with alcohol or drugs if you don't want the after effects. Look for other ways to escape or wind down that are not destructive and can lead to new possibilities. Sex can be good if it leads to you feeling good about who you are and you protect yourself. If not, develop another type of safety net.
If you are on your own or just want to be around other gay people, give some thought to how meet up with some other gay people or you can try taking a gay holiday.
The end of year can be a time when there is a lot on. Give yourself permission to skip a few things and space out family get-togethers with other activities and interests that feel good.

Remember: it is okay to be you. Also spend some time with people who remind you of who you are or do things that give you a good sense of yourself.

Gay Domestic Violence: Help is Available

Mon, 15 Nov 2010 10:31:12 +0100

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Domestic Violence is not something that just affects straight relationships. Abuse and violence occurs in same sex relationships as well.

Domestic violence is more than just physical assualt. It includes threats, verbal intimidation, damage to your property and controlling behaviour. If you are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender and are subject to violence in your relationship or at home, help is available. There are gay friendly and gay and lesbian counsellors you can speak with and other services where you can get support and information.

In the UK, Broken Rainbow is a non-profit service providing support to LGBT people experiencing domestic abuse. In Australia, police have been trained to be supportive in situations involving gay and lesbian couples. In the United States there is a national hotline you can call for help and in New Zealand, Outline offers free telephone counselling and information. In Canada there are many local organisations that can help you.

Take a look at our page on Domestic Violence in gay relationships for more information about what you can do. You are not alone and help is available.

Married and Gay... And In a Straight Relationship

Sat, 23 Oct 2010 16:12:59 +0100

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In the film Mulligans, Dan Payne plays Nathan, a father and husband who has been keeping a secret from his wife and children for 20 years. Nathan is gay. When Nathan's son invites a college buddy to stay for the summer, Nathan finds he can no longer suppress the feelings he has been hiding and the family must come to some new understandings.

Nathan married his girlfriend because she became pregnant with their son when they were both in college. In the film he says "it seemed the easiest thing to do at the time". Many men who have been in similar situations tell their therapist or counsellor that when they were married, it felt like the only option. Sometimes there was family pressure, sometimes they knew themselves to be bisexual or there was confusion about identity. Usually there was and still is love for the women they married. Now things have changed. Even in the last 20 years, living openly as a gay person has become easier in many countries, thanks to anti-discrimination laws and more widespread understanding that people do not choose their sexual orientation.

Women also form straight relationships with and marry men and later realize they are attracted to and want to be other women. Marriages between men and women where one (or both) partners know or later realize they want to be with someone of the same sex can be discussed with a therapist or counselor and understood in many ways. Every relationship is different and by sharing thoughts, experiences and feelings we can develop new meanings about the choices we have made in our lives and the possibilities for the future.

If you are interested in seeing Mulligans, you can watch the trailer on our Gay Coming-Out Films page.

If you need support around being gay and married or in a straight relationship, take a look at our Being Different, Feeling Good page which lists contact details for the Gay and Married Mens Association, GAMMA.
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Reparative therapy? But what’s to be Repaired?

Tue, 12 Oct 2010 13:02:18 +0100

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‘Reparative Therapy’, ‘Conversion Therapy’, ‘Ex-Gay Therapy’... Different names for what is essentially the same thing: treatment of a person that claims to be able to change sexual orientation.

There have been no studies of adequate scientific rigor to show that these approaches work or are in any way effective. In fact the most reputable American medical and scientific organizations have expressed concern over counseling and psychological practices like conversion therapy and reparative therapy and consider them potentially harmful.

The American Psychiatric Association opposes any treatment which is based upon the assumption that homosexuality is a mental disorder or that a person should change their orientation. They recommend that ethical practitioners do not attempt to change their clients' sexual orientation.

The American Counseling Association does not offer or condone training programs for conversion therapy. They suggest counselors refrain from referring clients to a conversion therapist.

The American Psychological Association regards homosexuality as ‘a normal and positive variation of human sexual orientation’ and is opposed to forcing anyone from trying to change their sexual orientation against their will, including parents forcing their children to change.

And the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy does not support treatment or intervention for same sex orientation because they do not regard it as a mental disorder.

So what is the role for counselors when people are having difficulties associated with sexuality?

Gay counseling can be effective when we are developing our sense of ourselves, changing our relationships with others and when we want to feel better about who we are. So instead of repairing something that is not faulty (our sexuality), counseling can effectively help us to construct our identity and relationships in ways that are in harmony with our sexuality.

There are many counselors in the United States who are affirming of gay sexuality and support bisexual people, transgender people, lesbians and gay men to be themselves. Take a look at the Gay Counseling in the USA page for more information or to find a gay counselor.

Life as a Gay Person: It Gets Better.

Thu, 23 Sep 2010 16:23:49 +0100

Despite the improvements in some countries for gay people, teenagers and young people at school still experience anti-gay taunts and bullying. But those of us who are gay and made it through the homophobia of our school years know that it gets better.

Dan Savage is a gay US columnist and author who writes about homophobia, gay life and sexuality. Recently he started a the It Gets Better Project on Youtube aimed at providing information and positive role models to young gay people who are going through hard times.

"Today we have the power to give these kids hope," Dan writes. "We have the tools to reach out to them and tell our stories and let them know that it does get better."

If you are experiencing homophobia or gay bullying and wondering if life is worth it, take a look at the videos posted at the It Gets Better Project. Many of these videos are also stories about coming out.

if you are gay and have made it through to a better life, why not post your own video? There are gay teenagers out there who need to hear how you did it! All you need is a Youtube account and a webcam and you can submit your own story to the It Gets Better Project and help gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender young people who are being bullied or harassed.

And remember, there are gay counsellors available to help you deal with bullying, abuse and coming out. If you are feeling bad there are some suggestions for what you can do on our gay mental health page. Remember, you are not alone.

Solving Coming Out Problems.

Thu, 23 Sep 2010 16:25:35 +0100

Coming Out is a different experience for everyone. It can happen to us - we can be 'outed' - or we can do it ourselves. Some lesbians and gay men choose not to come out. Some people come out quite early, at 16 or 17 or even younger, others have more experience of life before they decide to come out.

There are lots of factors that can make coming out more difficult or seemingly too hard for many of us. Family expectations, religious perspectives and homophobia or hatred can stand in the way of making an effort to be who we are.

Coming out can be a matter of simply acknowledging who we are to others. We all know that we are more than our sexuality, but when the world we live in makes being ourselves difficult it can seem like our sexuality is the biggest thing about us!

Talking with a counsellor can make it easier to continue the process of coming out if that is what you want to do. If you are not ready to speak to a counsellor, we have collected some tips and things to consider in deciding if it is time to come out. You can read our coming out tips by clicking here. You can also go to other sites for How to Come Out to Parents or, if you are a parent, How to Come Out to your Children.

Coming out is a process that happens over time. Because we live in a world dominated by heterosexual culture, some might say that coming out is a 'never-ending process' or that as gay people, we will always have small comings-out throughout our lives. Remember you are not alone in this process. Millions of people have already been through similar situations. Read more about Coming Out here.

Where Are All The Gay People?

Sun, 01 Aug 2010 16:34:25 +0100

Do you sometimes find yourself asking 'where are all the other gay people'?

For anyone living in a small town or somewhere where it is hard to be gay because of local attitudes or the threat of violence, it can sometimes seem like being 'the only gay in the village'. But gay people are everywhere, even if they are not as visible in some places as others.

How to make gay friends is something that most gay men and lesbians have had to consider at some point in their lives. It used to be that gay bars and clubs seemed the easiest option for making friends. Then along came the Internet. The Internet has revolutionised the way people meet and make friends with similar interests. Like other approaches, it can be challenging to meet people over the Internet, particularly when it comes to meeting up in person. If shyness is something that holds you back, the Internet can be a good place to start.

But there are lots of other places where you can meet and make new friends who are also gay, lesbian or same sex attracted. If you close your eyes and imagine someone whose company you would enjoy, what sorts of things might they be doing? What sorts of activities might fill their day? What might their occupation be? Where would these activities take place?

At gaycounselling.org we have made a list of 5 top tips for making friends. Take a look!

Gay Counselling in the UK

Thu, 15 Jul 2010 21:45:27 +0100

Finding a counsellor if you are gay, even a counsellor who is also a gay person, is easy in the UK. If you are gay, homosexual, bisexual or you just want to discuss your sexuality, you can start with Gay Counselling in the UK here at gaycounselling.org.

Counsellors and psychotherapists who work with and support gay people can be found in private practice as well as in charitable organisations like the Terrance Higgins Trust. There are a directories where you can search for a counsellor who is gay or used to working with gay people and some of the professional counselling organisations also offer a search function through their websites.

If you don't feel ready to meet a counsellor face to face or would find it easier to meet with a counsellor over the internet, there are also counsellors in the UK offering counselling through Skype, email and telephone such as gaycounselling.net. All of these options are listed on the UK gay counselling page at gaycounselling.org.

If you are not sure where to start, you can always get more immediate support and help to make a decision at one of the gay and lesbian telephone services like the London Gay & Lesbian Switchboard.

the London gay and lesbian switchboard.